The Importance of Communication

     To have a successful marriage, a couple must have good communication between one another. One way to do that is improving your listening skills. In our textbook: Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer and Lauer, it says:

“Psychiatrist Karl Menninger once wrote that listening may be even more important than talking: “I believe listening to be one of the most powerful and influential techniques of human intercourse.” Indeed, good listening has been found to be important in all kinds of relationships, from preserving the dignity of the elderly to satisfaction in married couples. Note that we said “good” listening, because there are various ways we can listen to others, not all of which are helpful to effective communication.”

Later in the chapter, they give six ways you can improve you listening skills:

1.    “Take the initiative in communication. Unfortunately, we tend to think of listening as a passive activity. But effective listening has to be active. You have to look at your partner and concentrate on what he or she is saying. You need to watch the nonverbal cues and listen to the words carefully and strive to understand exactly what he or she is trying to communicate. It is also helpful to respond to various things with noncommittal remarks such as “I see,” or “That’s interesting.”

2.    Resist distractions. The distractions may be in the environment, such as noise in the home, or they may be in your mind, such as preoccupation with some problem or concern. In either case, you must consciously decide to put aside the distractions for a while and focus on what your partner is saying.

3.    Control your emotions and your tendency to respond, before your partner is finished. It is important to resist the tendency to interrupt, just completely hear your partner out.

4.    Ask questions and rephrase to clarify your partner’s meaning. In effective listening, questions are used not to cast suspicion on motives (“Are you saying that just to annoy me?”) but to get clarification (“Are you saying then that you are really hurt because I was late?”). Effective listeners are particularly aware, of the value of rephrasing what the other has said. Rephrasing is done to clarify, to check for accuracy, to check for feelings, or simply to show interest and understanding.

5.    Make use of the speed of your thoughts by summarizing. We think faster than we can speak. You can make use of this by periodically summarizing what your partner has said. It is important that you use your thinking, not only to formulate responses, but also to summarize.  In an effort to understand exactly what your partner is getting at.

6.    Practice. You can enhance your listening skills by practicing with everyone, not merely your intimate partner. The more you try to be an effective listener with people, the more skill you will gain and, we might add, the more you will enhance the quality of your relationships.”

     Another statement from the book that shows the value of communication in marriage, says:

“Satisfying communication is essential for a healthy marriage. When a national sample of married people 40 to 50 years of age was asked about areas of desired change, one of the more frequent things desired was improved communication. Satisfying communication is so crucial because it facilitates the growth of both marital satisfaction and intimacy. Couples that are satisfied with their relationship, who define their marriage as a happy one, and indicate high levels of intimacy, also report satisfying patterns of communication. In fact, satisfying marital communication, can act as preventive medicine for some marital ills.”

This statement fully shows the importance of having good communication with your spouse to have a healthy marriage.

     I am not married yet, but in my own personal experience I find that the relationships I value the most are the ones that I have experienced the best communication in. It especially makes a huge difference if I feel that they really listen and try to understand my point of view on things. For example, just today one of my old roommates was in town and came by and saw me. We could only talk for about an hour before she had to leave, but in that hour, I had the best conversation I’ve had in a long time. Honestly, as I look and think back, that is one of the highest reasons I value her so much as a friend. She always conveys understanding while she is listening, and trusts and confides in me things that are important to her.

     The book also gives a list of items that makes marital communication more satisfying and effective, the more often the spouse does these things:

·         “Discuss the way they will spend their income.

·         Discuss their work and interests with each other.

·         Express their feelings to each other.

·         Avoid saying things that irritate each other.

·         Have pleasant mealtime conversation.

·         Listen to each other.

·         Perceive that they are understood by the other.

·         Support each other.

·         Communicate affection and regard.

·         Avoid the silent treatment.

·         Confide in each other.”

     Overall, there a lot of different things that makes a marriage successful and healthy. One of the most vitals things is effective, satisfying communication between a couple. 

Family Crisis

     This week in class we discussed family crisis and coping mechanisms. From our discussions I have found that there is strong evidence that family crisis can strengthen families when dealt in the right way. I believe it is vital that families learn effective coping strategies to deal with any family crises that should happen. Every family should make a goal to become a resilient family, or one that can resist disruption in the face of change and cope effectively with crises. In my textbook: Marriage and Family the Quest for Intimacy by Robert H. Lauer it explains that, “The strengths that help make a family resilient include the following:

·         Accord, or relationships that foster problem-solving and manage conflict well.

·         Celebrations, including birthdays, religious days, and other special events,

·         Communication, both beliefs and emotion.

·         Good financial management.

·         Hardiness, which includes commitment to the family, the belief that family members have control over their lives, and the sense that the family can deal with all changes.

·         Health, both physical and emotional.

·         Shared leisure activities.

·         Acceptance of each member’s personality and behavior.

·         A social support network of relatives and friends.

·         Sharing routines such as family meals and chores.

·         Traditions that carry over form one generation to another.

Families that have worked at developing these strengths will be in a position to deal effectively with stressors and with crises.”

      So if families tried to work on these things, and improve them, it will better help them be prepared to deal with family crises. The textbook also listed the tools for effective coping, they listed: “

·         “Take responsibility-take responsibility for yourself and your family, do not deny or avoid the problem or blame others.

·         Affirm yours and your family’s worth- believe in yourself and in your ability to deal with difficult situations.

·         Balance self-concern with other-concern.

·         Learn the art of reframing- reframing is redefining the meaning of something, is a way of changing your perspective on a situation. It isn’t the situation that is changed but the way that you look at it.

·         Find and use available resources- every family has numerous internal and external resources to which it can turn in a time of crisis.”

     Another thing I found that I really love was on a website and it explained some ways to help diffuse a crisis. The first thing it listed was active listening. It said: “Active listening is perhaps the most important technique for defusing a crisis. For many families in crisis, active listening may be all that is needed to restore family functioning. Active listening with families may involve:

·         Encouraging the expression of feelings;

·         Acknowledging the real loss or tragedy experienced by a family;

·         Reflecting feelings expressed by the family;

·         Normalizing the family's reactions;

·         Conveying acceptance of the family, but not of destructive behaviors; 

·         Reframing family statements or behaviors to emphasize the positives;

·         Focusing on the "here and now";

·         Confronting inconsistencies in family statements or behaviors in tactful ways;

·         Clarifying a family's priorities among many issues; and

·         Summarizing and bringing closure to emotional topics.”

If you want to read more the website is http://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/hslc/tta-system/family/Family%20and%20Community%20Partnerships/crisis%20support/homelessness/famcom_fts_009545_091705.html

     Unfortunately, every family will have its hardships and challenges to overcome. These things can either bring a family closer together, or tear them apart. I know that if we strive to implement the things mentioned above into our families, we will be fostering healthy relationships, and preparing our families for the troubles ahead.

Whose Teaching Your Children About Sex?

I think that it is vitally important that parents should teach their children about sexual intimacy instead of just letting school and others teach them. In a changing world more and more things are being taught to the youth in schools that in the past would not have been acceptable or allowed.  It is more critical now to take an interest and to monitor what our children are being taught.  One example of what children are being taught on this personal subject is from some curriculum now being taught in the New York public school system. In an article “Mandatory Sex Ed Details May Be Too Racy for Parents: Report”  it explain some of the new curriculum including: “ Workbooks for older students direct them to a website run by Columbia University, which explores topics such as sexual positions, porn stars, and bestiality. The lessons explain risky sexual behavior and suggest students go to stores to jot condom brands and prices.” Here is a link if you want to read the entire article http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/mandatory-sex-ed-curriculum-new-york-city-public-schools-132404248.html?dr . I was shocked by reading this. I personally do not want my children, especially at a young age, to learn about these things without me there explaining my own beliefs.  A commentary from this article echoed my beliefs in the statement: “Such policies violate parents’ rights, whether they are Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, or of no religion at all.”  If you want to read this entire article here is a link: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/19/opinion/does-sex-ed-undermine-parental-rights.html?_r=2&

            I know that some parents would rather leave it up to others to explain sexual intimacy because they do not know how to themselves, or just feel awkward about it. I know it can be awkward, but it is so important that we are teaching our children our personal beliefs on the subject, then someone we hardly know. If you want some resources to help, one really great resource is called “A Parent’s Guide.” It’s a pamphlet put out by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that gives some helpful guidelines and tips on how to teach children about this personal topic. It also gives examples of things to teach at different ages. It’s worth giving a look at no matter what religion you belong to. It can be found here:  http://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng       

 

            I feel it is important for parents to have an open relationship of trust with their children and talk candidly about personal things as well as other things in a private, safe environment. This will ultimately help the child feel more willing to ask questions about all topics, including sex, with their parents. I do want to clarify however, that a parent does not need to share intimate details of their own sex life with their children in the process of explaining sex. If they will include their feelings about how special, sacred and natural sex is and why it is important to abstain from sex before marriage, I feel the child will be more likely to have a healthy sex life after marriage.

Early Years of Marriage

This week we talked a lot about the early years of marriage. The first thing we talked about was how some tasks of early marriage correspond with the elements of a great wedding. The first example was    learning how to make decisions as a team and the corresponding element of a great wedding is mutually deciding the wedding details together, and not just one person making all of the decisions and doing all of the work by themselves.  Another thing was establishing expectations, and in your wedding to be practical and realistic about things like budgeting and how much you can really afford to do.  We also discussed establishing joint ownership; everything is not just mine and yours, but ours. Setting clear boundaries, and being self-supporting together.

 I really enjoyed discussing the topic of early marital adjustments. There can be a lot to get used to and adjust to at the beginning of a marriage. In class we came up with a list including: distribution of responsibilities, lifestyle changes (like eating and sleeping), budgeting, mutual decision making, social circles, establishing family boundaries (this includes what is allowed with in-laws), accommodating schedules, and physical intimacy.  One great quote Mr. Williams said in class was, “In marriage you should care at least as much about what you want as your spouse wants.”

A great topic we got to read about was the baby blues. We read a power point that described some of the hardships that can come from having a baby, and the impact it can have on the relationship. I think it is so important for both parents to feel fully engaged during the whole life of the child, including the pregnancy for a healthy relationship.  Five things a wife can do to fully engage her husband before, during, and after the delivery of their child are:

First, include him in all of the special moments of the pregnancy.  She can take him to all of her doctor appointments, let him feel kicks and other baby movements, take him to any special parenting classes she may be taking, etc.  These things are very important, and doing them together can bring a couple closer.

Another thing she can do is talk with him about the things they want or changes that will happen after the baby is born and make a plan. This is important because talking about and thinking through the changes that will occur can prevent feelings of surprise or anger if things end up going differently than expected.  She can assure him that although things may change and she will be busier and have to devote a lot of her time to the baby, that she still loves him and will support him to the best of her abilities.

Third, she could let him know how much he will be needed in the delivery room.  It’s important that she not make it just a mother, grandmother moment, but a special mom and dad moment when the baby is brought into the world.  If circumstances permit, ask the doctor if he can cut the umbilical cord (if he wants to), and hold the child shortly after birth, thus helping encourage bonding of father and child.

Next, she could involve him in the adjustment period after they bring the baby home.  She should always make an effort to include him in the special moments of their child’s life.  If he is away at work or gone, she could call him, or take pictures or shoot videos of the special moments; like first words, steps, and the funny, silly little things babies do.

Finally, she should try to make sure their relationship is strong, and not just her and the baby’s.  She could do this by going out on planned dates with him, making sure communication is strong, telling him how much she loves and appreciates him at least once each day, greeting him with a kiss when he comes home, and doing small acts of kindness for him. 

Relationships and Dating

This week in class we talked a lot about dating and relationships. The first thing we talked about, is some of the difficulties that can lead to problems in a relationship, such as: culture clash, having ideas of different gender roles or family roles, having different experiences, having ideas of different rules for a family or the relationship, and not knowing each other very well. We also talked about what different things can play a role in meeting someone and being interested in them.  If two people are in the same social circle; this usually plays a role in meeting each other and being comfortable around them. Also, being from around the same place can have an impact.  Geography, jobs, and physical attraction all play a role in whom you end up with.

 The three things that make a date, a date: it being planned, being paired-off, and it being paid for (should be by the guy). The interesting thing in class was we discussed how making men do these three things, prepares them for their future jobs in families, which are: Preside, Protect, and Provide. Out of the three, planned correlates with presiding, protecting correlates with being paired off, and paid correlates with providing.  Our teacher also talked about how if a guy lacks in one or more of these areas while dating, it usually is a good indicator that things will not change once he is married.

            Another thing we talked about was the steps of progression of a relationship, which are: dating, courtship, engagement, and then marriage. One thing I really enjoyed from our discussion was the explaining of the Know Quo. Know Quo are the three things that build a healthy relationship. They are: Time, Talk, and Togetherness. Talk means you talk about meaningful things and engage in mutual self-disclosure. Mutual means you both contribute, and it shouldn’t be one sided. Finally, togetherness is more than just hanging out; you need to engage in a wide variety of activities.  Not every date should be watching a movie, or just doing one thing. Dating should include a wide variety of activities; you get to see how they would handle different situations. Also we talked about the Relationship Attachment Model that Van Epp; the author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, came up with. It involved five different components: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch.  We talked about how sometimes we are too quick to touch and commit, and that can be dangerous. Touch is a powerful thing; it can make someone feel close to someone really quickly, before you get to know them for who they really are.  Another useful tip is, do not rely on someone, more than you trust them, or you will most likely to be let down. If you want to know more I would encourage you to research it more yourself, it’s really insightful and helpful. This link describes in more in detail. http://mylifeamplified.com/2011/08/relationship-attachment-model/

The last little topic I found interesting, was cohabiting: 60-80% of people cohabit before marriage.  One reason people cohabit is, they think it’ll test the relationship and see if it would be worth getting married. The problem with this is couples who cohabit are shown to be at a higher risk for problems and breakups, exhibit poorer marital problem-solving skills, have a higher rate of infidelity, and are far more likely to perceive the possibility of divorce than those who do not cohabit before marriage.  Married couples have a lot of advantages compared to cohabiting couples: they usually have a better-quality relationship, rates of violence are lower compared to cohabiting couples (women are 9 times more likely to be killed by a partner in a cohabiting relationship than in a married relationship), have less health problems and better health behavior, greater happiness, less depression, higher levels of commitment in the relationship, better relationships with their parents, they are more stable and durable, spend less on alcohol and tobacco, and  spend more on education compared to cohabiting couples. They also reported a more satisfying and healthier sex life than cohabiting couples.