Early Years of Marriage

This week we talked a lot about the early years of marriage. The first thing we talked about was how some tasks of early marriage correspond with the elements of a great wedding. The first example was    learning how to make decisions as a team and the corresponding element of a great wedding is mutually deciding the wedding details together, and not just one person making all of the decisions and doing all of the work by themselves.  Another thing was establishing expectations, and in your wedding to be practical and realistic about things like budgeting and how much you can really afford to do.  We also discussed establishing joint ownership; everything is not just mine and yours, but ours. Setting clear boundaries, and being self-supporting together.

 I really enjoyed discussing the topic of early marital adjustments. There can be a lot to get used to and adjust to at the beginning of a marriage. In class we came up with a list including: distribution of responsibilities, lifestyle changes (like eating and sleeping), budgeting, mutual decision making, social circles, establishing family boundaries (this includes what is allowed with in-laws), accommodating schedules, and physical intimacy.  One great quote Mr. Williams said in class was, “In marriage you should care at least as much about what you want as your spouse wants.”

A great topic we got to read about was the baby blues. We read a power point that described some of the hardships that can come from having a baby, and the impact it can have on the relationship. I think it is so important for both parents to feel fully engaged during the whole life of the child, including the pregnancy for a healthy relationship.  Five things a wife can do to fully engage her husband before, during, and after the delivery of their child are:

First, include him in all of the special moments of the pregnancy.  She can take him to all of her doctor appointments, let him feel kicks and other baby movements, take him to any special parenting classes she may be taking, etc.  These things are very important, and doing them together can bring a couple closer.

Another thing she can do is talk with him about the things they want or changes that will happen after the baby is born and make a plan. This is important because talking about and thinking through the changes that will occur can prevent feelings of surprise or anger if things end up going differently than expected.  She can assure him that although things may change and she will be busier and have to devote a lot of her time to the baby, that she still loves him and will support him to the best of her abilities.

Third, she could let him know how much he will be needed in the delivery room.  It’s important that she not make it just a mother, grandmother moment, but a special mom and dad moment when the baby is brought into the world.  If circumstances permit, ask the doctor if he can cut the umbilical cord (if he wants to), and hold the child shortly after birth, thus helping encourage bonding of father and child.

Next, she could involve him in the adjustment period after they bring the baby home.  She should always make an effort to include him in the special moments of their child’s life.  If he is away at work or gone, she could call him, or take pictures or shoot videos of the special moments; like first words, steps, and the funny, silly little things babies do.

Finally, she should try to make sure their relationship is strong, and not just her and the baby’s.  She could do this by going out on planned dates with him, making sure communication is strong, telling him how much she loves and appreciates him at least once each day, greeting him with a kiss when he comes home, and doing small acts of kindness for him.