The Importance of Communication

     To have a successful marriage, a couple must have good communication between one another. One way to do that is improving your listening skills. In our textbook: Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer and Lauer, it says:

“Psychiatrist Karl Menninger once wrote that listening may be even more important than talking: “I believe listening to be one of the most powerful and influential techniques of human intercourse.” Indeed, good listening has been found to be important in all kinds of relationships, from preserving the dignity of the elderly to satisfaction in married couples. Note that we said “good” listening, because there are various ways we can listen to others, not all of which are helpful to effective communication.”

Later in the chapter, they give six ways you can improve you listening skills:

1.    “Take the initiative in communication. Unfortunately, we tend to think of listening as a passive activity. But effective listening has to be active. You have to look at your partner and concentrate on what he or she is saying. You need to watch the nonverbal cues and listen to the words carefully and strive to understand exactly what he or she is trying to communicate. It is also helpful to respond to various things with noncommittal remarks such as “I see,” or “That’s interesting.”

2.    Resist distractions. The distractions may be in the environment, such as noise in the home, or they may be in your mind, such as preoccupation with some problem or concern. In either case, you must consciously decide to put aside the distractions for a while and focus on what your partner is saying.

3.    Control your emotions and your tendency to respond, before your partner is finished. It is important to resist the tendency to interrupt, just completely hear your partner out.

4.    Ask questions and rephrase to clarify your partner’s meaning. In effective listening, questions are used not to cast suspicion on motives (“Are you saying that just to annoy me?”) but to get clarification (“Are you saying then that you are really hurt because I was late?”). Effective listeners are particularly aware, of the value of rephrasing what the other has said. Rephrasing is done to clarify, to check for accuracy, to check for feelings, or simply to show interest and understanding.

5.    Make use of the speed of your thoughts by summarizing. We think faster than we can speak. You can make use of this by periodically summarizing what your partner has said. It is important that you use your thinking, not only to formulate responses, but also to summarize.  In an effort to understand exactly what your partner is getting at.

6.    Practice. You can enhance your listening skills by practicing with everyone, not merely your intimate partner. The more you try to be an effective listener with people, the more skill you will gain and, we might add, the more you will enhance the quality of your relationships.”

     Another statement from the book that shows the value of communication in marriage, says:

“Satisfying communication is essential for a healthy marriage. When a national sample of married people 40 to 50 years of age was asked about areas of desired change, one of the more frequent things desired was improved communication. Satisfying communication is so crucial because it facilitates the growth of both marital satisfaction and intimacy. Couples that are satisfied with their relationship, who define their marriage as a happy one, and indicate high levels of intimacy, also report satisfying patterns of communication. In fact, satisfying marital communication, can act as preventive medicine for some marital ills.”

This statement fully shows the importance of having good communication with your spouse to have a healthy marriage.

     I am not married yet, but in my own personal experience I find that the relationships I value the most are the ones that I have experienced the best communication in. It especially makes a huge difference if I feel that they really listen and try to understand my point of view on things. For example, just today one of my old roommates was in town and came by and saw me. We could only talk for about an hour before she had to leave, but in that hour, I had the best conversation I’ve had in a long time. Honestly, as I look and think back, that is one of the highest reasons I value her so much as a friend. She always conveys understanding while she is listening, and trusts and confides in me things that are important to her.

     The book also gives a list of items that makes marital communication more satisfying and effective, the more often the spouse does these things:

·         “Discuss the way they will spend their income.

·         Discuss their work and interests with each other.

·         Express their feelings to each other.

·         Avoid saying things that irritate each other.

·         Have pleasant mealtime conversation.

·         Listen to each other.

·         Perceive that they are understood by the other.

·         Support each other.

·         Communicate affection and regard.

·         Avoid the silent treatment.

·         Confide in each other.”

     Overall, there a lot of different things that makes a marriage successful and healthy. One of the most vitals things is effective, satisfying communication between a couple.